My thoughts turn to love as Valentines Day comes round again. Actually I realise that I have been musing on love’s complexities almost non-stop for the last 5 years. It is the well, which nourishes all my ideas and ideals. Be it love of the land or love of justice, love of good design or love of humanity – ultimately all my work is inspired by love. It seems clear to me that if the world can learn how to create with love we will make better leaders, better communities, better buildings, better clothes, better systems, better parents – and, yes, better lovers…
But as it is Valentines Day I will be looking in depth at Romantic Love.
Like it or not humans are hard-wired for Love. The language of Love has inspired some of our greatest works of Art, Literature and Poetry as the great creators of each generation soared on the wings of Love. Be it unrequited, ignited or blighted; there are more songs devoted to the subject of Love than any other. Indeed you could say that the modern pop song is now more resonant to the population than Poetry or Art and when the energy from a song resonates it can have a profound effect on the listener. Love is a crucial part of being human, it is what keeps us sane and the lack of it, shown to us via violence, self-harm, Narcissim and other character disorders, is a grave concern. But Love is no basic emotion, it has a physical kick as hard as any mule. When Love comes calling you FEEL it – there is no mistaking its presence.
What is significant to note is that Love actually has a pathology. Our animal selves are constantly communicating to potential and existing mates via a series of highly complex non-verbal dialogues. The body is flooded with a complex chemical trail when it falls in Love. Serotonin and Oxytocin levels shoot through the roof and levels of testosterone and estrogens can triple even during a flirty conversation. If you are sensitive you will actually be able to feel an electrical charge coming from your lover. We can spot the loves of our lives, the connection is strong and simple; they are the ones who feel right, sound right and taste right. There is a familiarity about them – as if we have met them before. This is because we are resonating with them at a mutually harmonious frequency; which is why it feels so damn good!
Psychologist Rick Zubin proposed that romantic love is made up of three elements: attachment, caring and intimacy. Attachment is the need to receive care, approval and physical contact with the other person. Caring involves valuing the other persons needs and happiness as much as your own. Intimacy refers to the sharing of thoughts, desires, and feelings with the other person. Wikipedia has a good definition of Love, which includes the notion that love is ” The unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another”. I like that.
Psychologist Robert Sternberg proposed a triangular theory of love that suggests that there are three components of love: intimacy, passion and commitment. Different combinations of these three components result in different types of love. For example, a combination of intimacy and commitment results in compassionate love, while a combination of passion and intimacy leads to passionate love.
According to Sternberg, relationships built on two or more elements are more enduring that those based upon a single component. Sternberg uses the term consummate love to describe a combination of intimacy, passion and commitment. While this type of love is the strongest and most enduring, Sternberg suggests that this type of love is rare. This is a very important point.Why is Consumate Love so rare?
This week couples all over the world will try and demonstrate their love, the trouble is they may not be on the same page, and what they are sharing may not actually be love. Modern society by its very design is anti–Love. That Love triumphs at all, on a seemingly loveless planet is a testiment to the greatness of humanity. Globally we are very dysfunctional when it comes to Love and rather than understanding/remembering the true nature and possibility of Love most humans tend to stick to the lower ground. This is where Smother-love and needy-greedy love live. This is the place of co-dependence and control. This where Porn and Fucking hang out. Collectively (but for a very few exceptions) we have forgotten how to LOVE.
What should be a transcendent experience is for most an extremely painful and complex occurrence, which mostly ends in disappointment and heartbreak. It is significant to note that the pathology of love is so real that it has been scientifically proven that one can really die of a broken heart – Love can heal but if misused it can also maim and kill. Love is a deadly serious business. Indeed I would go so far as to say I believe that if we don’t all stop backing up the current death-system and learn to how LOVE there is very little chance of survival as a species on this planet. Sadly most people are so wounded and guarded they are too frightened to open to the possibilities of real love and would prefer to live in a lonely, loveless shadow-land than truely open their hearts.
There are however a minority of courageous souls who, quite literally, wear their heart on their sleeve, who are not affraid to tell it like it is and are prepared to risk having their hearts broken in the pursuit of love. These are the ones who are teaching the world how to love again. This weekend my dear Friend Poet Venus Cumara will be hosting another Reclaim Love demonstration under the statue of Eros in Piccadilly Circus London. (There are other events nationwide check out the links above for details). This year has taken a more serious and urgent tone as the two oraganisations Reclaim Love and Occupy come together in a hybrid manifestion; Reclaim Love 9 – Occupy your heart. Venus understands how urgent our planetary need for love is and has worked tirelessly for 10 years to help bring the love-light forward; it is now a huge global event with millions of participants. This saturday 18th at 14.00pm people all over the world will repeat this mantra; MAY ALL BEINGS IN ALL THE WORLDS BE HAPPY AND AT PEACE. Get on down there if you want to see authentic love in action.
The Beatles were right when they said “All You Need Is Love”. But just because the concept is simple doesn’t mean it is easy to execute. The very great shame is that today so many of us are so wounded and tortured from misunderstanding and misusing LOVE that we are unaware that a perfect solution is sitting just within our grasp.
Marianne Williamson in her great Masterpiece Return To Love (a book the whole world should read!) http://www.marianne.com/ explores the many levels of love in incredible depth. On romantic love she writes ‘ There are no different categories of love. There isn’t one kind of love between a mother and a child, another between lovers, and another between friends. The love that is real is the love that lies at the heart of all relationships…She continues…..
‘Relationships don’t necessarily take the pain away. The only thing that ‘takes the pain away’ is healing the things that cause pain. It isn’t the absence of other people in our lives that causes us pain but what we do with them when they’re there.”
Mostly we are not very nice to our lovers, we manipulate them and denigrate them and play cruel games with their hearts. But this gentle-reader has to stop. 2012 will be a defining year in the Evolution of Love. Those of us who understand how to decode the zeitgeist know that this is a time when we are all being called to grow up and learn to let go of anything loveless. If anyone is fucking with your heart RUN away now! Say NO to anything that resembles lovelessness, and turn away from heartache. Nobody has the right to hurt you – and that includes yourself. The energetics of this unique occurrence are explained in an outstanding article here on Willows web;
Tortured love is really not love at all. Love’s shadow is very murky indeed, it can be cruel and manipulative and we need to stay alert to the traps there in. One of the simplest and most effective ways I have found is through the practice of Ahimsa. Ahimsa this is the practice of non-violence, self love and love of others – it is a simple attitude which allows the individual to open to love in each moment. One of the greatest living teachers of Ahmisa is the very amazing Mother Maya who has redefined Ahimsa for a new generation. http://www.mypeacevow.org/bio.php
What interests me about romantic love is that in popular culture we call it “Falling” in love. So many of the songs in popular culture are about a kind of love that plumbs the depths, that cuts and clings and cries in a bottomless pit of despair. Of course this bad, bad feeling has inspired some good, good, love songs. But I believe we need to look at Love anew. We ought to be looking at how we RISE in LOVE. When I LOVE I want to RISE, not fall, I want to take my lover to the highest point and stay there – and I want him to do the same for me. I think in a 21st Centuary Post Conventional Culture we need to reassess what Love is and why we assume we have to FALL.
But if we are on the planet to learn to become more loving and to evolve spiritually how does sexuality come in to it? For surely a good date (Valentines or otherwise) should really end with a bang! Love without sex, after all, isn’t that much fun.
The very best way to catch a Love wave, in my opinion, and RISE in Love is to learn and practice the ancient art of Tantra. The secrets of tantra have existed for thousands of years. They are simple to learn and awesomely effective, bringing a lustrous new dimension to an already exciting union. Tantra is a very generous, sensual and much misunderstood life-philosophy which covers much more than just sex and I believe it has many solutions for what ails us now on planet earth.
What would you rather; A Head-Fuck or a Heart-Fuck? The phrase Making Love is really – just that, we make something beautiful when we Love. Having sex with someone you love is the ultimate human experience and Tanta will take you there. Many cultures have a variation of this challenging and delightful practice. Two examples include the Taoists in China and the Cheyenne in North America. There are differences in these practices, but all forms of sacred sexuality have in common the intentional cultivation and use of sexual energy for spiritual growth, healing, creativity and enhanced pleasure.
Tantric lovemaking involves breathing exercises, muscle contraction exercises, sound, visualization, affirmations, creating a sacred loving space and other rituals, meditation, sensual massage, and sexual play. In order to create enough sexual energy to move into ecstatic states of divine connection, Tantrikas make love for long periods of time, experiencing extraordinary levels of pleasure along the way. Part of the delight of Tantric loving is that you can continue to learn and advance throughout years of practice; it is never-ending in its potential for growth. At the same time, it is a practice that yields immediate results. You can see and feel a difference in your lovemaking experience right away!
Good sex really is the healthy expression of pure Love. Sexual seduction can be a lovely dance between tension and relaxation. When you frolic together with your lover in a freeform flow you start waltzing with your divinity. You are a fascinating combination of heavenly Angel/God/Goddess and earthly Animal/Beast. As you let go into formlessness with the intention to become one with your lover, what can emerge is a dance back and forth between your God/Goddess and your animal urges. Then in another moment, when you are softly touching and looking into another’s eyes you have included your human, animal lust – rather than trying to bypass it. As you let out your lust, you can create the foundation upon which to build your temple. That is what I call RISING IN LOVE!
So wherever you are this Valentines, single, coupled or just courting, be brave and think again on Loves dream and how you can help heal the world through daring to open your heart to your own authentic loving self expression.
“The minute I heard my first love story,
I started looking for you, not knowing how blind I was.
Lovers don’t finally meet somewhere – They are in each other all along”.
Rumi
The Kiss - Gustave Klimpt